Now I know that I’m no exception to the parenting madness that is toddler-rearing but the more I contemplate it the more I think he might actually be trying to kill me.

Let’s review the facts shall we?

Event 1:

He’s a late talker, an area of great concern to me and the Health Visitor and absolutely no one else, though I know that he absolutely knows the words. Will he say them? No he will not. He will drag me hither and thither as I trip over toy cars and juice cups, spurred onward by the inhumanly strong, and quite fucking painful, grip on my little finger. All for the purpose of pointing at any one of the kitchen cupboards for snacks and drinks. I have heard this child say milk, juice, biscuit, apple and so on and so on. Why must he scream and point?

Explanation:

He wants me to trip and/or hurt me by yanking me across the house.

Conclusion:

The toddler is trying to kill me.

Event 2:

What is with the five am starts child?? When have I ever done that to him?? Never. Know why? Because who in their right fucking mind would want to be up that early? Included in the early rising seems to be the need to jump on my back, pull individual strands of my hair, and surround me with creepily talking Teletubies.

The birds and the summer sun are arseholes people. I am in no way a morning person. Dangerous things happen when people don’t get enough sleep.

A picture of me and my desk:


Explanation:

I’m pretty sure that this one is taught to toddlers by their grandparents in some sort of long-game revenge plan. My turn will come child. Remember that.

Conclusion:

The toddler and/or my parents are trying to kill me.

Event 3:

I am full of cold again! ‘Every parent gets sick’ I hear you say but does every parent wake up to their son trying to shove their snotty dummy in their mouths? Probably not!!

Explanation:

He is trying to weaken my immune system.

Conclusion:

The toddler is trying to kill me.

And finally, ladies and gentleman of the jury! I give you the most damning evidence in the case!!!

Event 4:

The bath mat. The slippery fucking bath mat that he slimes up with his shampoo and his slippy, slippy toothpaste so that when I get into the bath….KAPOWWWW!! STRIKE!! Three times now I have nearly fallen to my death, yes totally, when getting in the shower all because this little bastard:


(Not an actual picture of David Cameron)

Was hiding betwixt the rubbery folds of the sadistic, evil bath mat.

Explanation:

Toddler planted his accomplice ‘David’ to cause slippage.

Conclusion:

The toddler is trying to kill me.

And there you have it my friends. Jury how find you the accused?

Guilty!!

Sentence:

Non-chocolatey rice cakes for the rest of the week.

Harsh but fair.

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